This ANZAC Day we're honoured to share this 2015 piece by Andrew Ferguson.
Honouring Stan Carpenter...
16 hours ago
2nd February 2003-02-02 Hi everyone ! This is my blog (web log) ! Angela the marketing assistant came to training and asked if anyone wanted to make a blog ? Everyone pointed at me and Dicko went and told her what my name is. So here I am, dear diary ? Angela came to the unit (sponsors is Megaplex) and showed me how to turn on and where to tipe. Had my first ?beep test? today and Channel 8 was there. I guess they called it a beep test because they have to beep out all the swearing ? Retch was so out of breath, he could hardly swear. The beeptest is f***ing hard. can I say that ?
3/3/2003-03-03 (3rd March ? bloody automatic dating?bit like Hoppa, eh ?)
Still constipated ? missed the 7?s cause I couldn?t run freely and being a hooker, Doc wouldn?t give me any laxatives.
March 27, 2003
First match against the Zebras and on the bench. Played the last 12 minutes. Gawd it was funny in the sheds pre match. Coach was going right off, reckons we played like pooves (Blinky says he means pooftahs). At least I didn?t lose the game even if that winger did step round me at the ruck. Before the match, Dicko was sick as, spewed on Doc?s trainers, all that green Gatorade crap. Chezo had crap after crap & stank out the changerooms ? he must be dead inside. Any way it was good learning curve, getting beat 34-12. Piles is a great tackler. We were going to call him Sorbent (which is stupid because its not a cheap toilet paper) but Ando reckoned Piles was better because he hurts when he wipes ?em.
On a new diet and the constipation is fixed but it hurts when I piss. Lumpie landed on my back at training and Doc thinks my kidneys are bruised. We?ve lost six straight and are bottom of the table with the Starfish. Getting flogged at training. Coach reckons we need to know how to dig ourselves out of a hole.
Whoah, Scored a ?Falcon? when we lost to the Pumas ! and got to go on the Fatty Show ! They made us eat chillies. Curlo kept humming that Johny Cash song Ring of Fire. wish I was still constipated.
Going to the toilet doesn?t hurt anymore, thank god. Still injured, Doc says I?ve strained my groin. Doesn?t seem to affect personal best (3 times) with Angela ! lucky it wasn?t my cocksix. She?s really nice. With a car. I get one next year.
Two wins on the trot !, beat the Sponges and the Kelpies. Actually got to start against the Kelpies. Played 48 minutes too. scored as well with the reserve cheerleader. Angela hasn?t been around since she pissed atiny bit of blood. They mustn?t?ve been bruised after all. The Drug agency arrived after the kelpies match (must have been the back2backs) and I got roped in after they over heard me tell Carrots about my hangover cure: ?Eggs, tasty and coke?.
Results back ? just some blood, high sugar levels and really high antibodies.
21st August 2003-08-21 (still haven?t turned that off )
Haven?t written lately ? too busy at training and losing. The learning curve has gone pear shaped, bottomed out and is pushing up daisies. Lot of blokes getting little niggling injuries at the moment, can?t train properly. Most come good tho? round Friday. We?ll miss the finals but, just when I?m getting the hang of this blogging : ( , hey what about Marge Simpson @@@ : ) or a brown-eye ( * ) ! The cheerleader quit.
15 9 Still pissed Mad monthly time, used to call it mad Monday but round here it?s a curse that comes regularly. Talk about a pissup !Dicko was spewing after only three pubs because Buckets introduced him to rum depth chargers. I got spat on at the club and decked the chick. two cheerleaders had a blue in the carpark over who was going to run on last next year. Better than a charlies angels film. Off the diet and back on the hungry Jacks, tummy finally feeling full and arse tight.
21st October 2003-10-21 Got a $5,000 dollar fine off the club and 100 hours of community service from the court for pushing that woman at the club. I can do the service coaching kids footy.
Chow, astala vista, CU Joe Bloggs signing off for 2003