GOD had been thinking. Armageddon was close now, and he knew he?d have to start sorting out the saints from the sinners. It wasn?t easy being omnipotent, and even all-powerful beings have to work through tough patches from eon to eon. ?I?m pretty rusty. I really need to get a bit of smiting practice in.? He?d taken to talking to himself in his old age.In order to catch up, he sat back in his newly-created recliner, and skimmed the paper. He chuckled, and a golfer in Kansas was struck by lightning. ?Shane Warne really cracks me up. When will he ever learn?? He chuckled again. ?In about three weeks.? God never tired of ?end-of-the-world? jokes.After reading the sports section he had an epiphany. There certainly seemed to be a lot of controversy in rugby league. It would be the perfect place to start.He took out 'The Ten Commandments ? God?s Version and other stories' from his white robe. It had served him well in the past and he should be able to pass judgment on league like he had in days of yore. ?Just like riding a bike.? After looking the commandments over, he decided to only use some.He started writing.?Okay. I?m God, worship me first.? Phil Gould was an obvious front-runner here, given his God-complex, as was Alan Jones. Allah would never forgive him if he included the Bulldogs supporters, and he enjoyed discussing the subtleties of stoning with someone.?I am not a profanity.? Raudonikis and Finch were the first added, and they kept on coming. Blaspheming sure had gained in popularity. ?I might need a new book?. ?Kick back on Sundays.? He thought for a while. ?Hmm, I?ll amend that one.? In these modern times there was always room for 24-7 worship.?Honour your Mum and Dad.? The original marketing plan didn?t allow for future amendments, or additions, but after assessing the parental abilities of the world this really needed to be waived. He was feeling a little depressed now.This used to be so much easier. Sipping on a cup of his favourite coffee, he pondered the apocalypse. The black phone rang. A row of six phones - all different colours - lay side by side. Rastafarian God Jah rang on the green phone; Hindu God Ganesh on the blue; Allah had red; Jesus (busy putting his image on a burrito in Mexico) chose yellow; The Pope was white, and black was for?the other one.?Hello Luc,? he said.?Whassup G???You know I don?t like being called that,? God said.?Yeah,? Lucifer sighed. ?Look G. You must be getting ready for the big clean-out shortly. I need to budget for extra space, or storage fees will come into it. Should I reserve the seventh circle of hell???Yes. That?s a good idea Luc. Expect some guests late next week. But keep a table in the third circle for Riddell.??Speaking of gluttony, still up for dinner on Saturday???Wouldn?t miss it,? God replied, ?and bring your son.??Sure thing, and I?ll get Hitler onto the reservations.?God put the receiver down. He was glad he disposed of the pink phone. Answer George Bush?s call once and all hell breaks loose.?Don?t kill.? After striking out in his last two attempts, God was not happy. Nothing constituted killing. Prior loading would have to be enough. Yes, that?ll do: Morley, Crocker, and Ryles were all starters. He couldn?t bring himself to include Reuben Wiki. ?He?s always been hard done by.??Don?t cheat.? His mind wandered to the AFL. God muttered, ?Wayne Carey will keep.? He?d worry about the NRL offenders another time.?Don?t steal.? The NRL had got in first on this one. Maybe Gallop is paying attention? He noted Gould was the greatest opponent of the stripping law. ?That?s two.? An extra mark went in the book.?Don?t make things up and say it?s true.? As much as he enjoyed The Daily Telegraph and Danny Weidler, he knew when someone was pulling the other one as much as the next God. A number of other media personnel were included, and he rounded it off with everyone from 2GB and Ray Hadley.Satisfied, he put the pen down, and glanced over at his framed Queensland jersey; signed by Allan Langer. Jesus got extra brownie points for that. Walking over to the window, he looked down at the Earth and beamed. ?Things are coming together nicely.?
OFFENSIVE conduct has been defined as "behaviour calculated to wound the feelings, arouse anger or resentment or disgust or outrage in the mind of a reasonable person."So what defines a ?reasonable? person? If press reports are to be believed, it is a Bulldogs supporter roughing up a comedian.A couple of Fridays ago, satirist Chas Licciardello was arrested for staging a prank in Jubilee Avenue, adjacent to Kogarah Oval. St George Illawarra Dragons were playing the Canterbury Bulldogs and given Canterbury?s chequered history regarding crowd issues, there were over 100 police on duty looking for troublemakers.In arresting Licciardello, officers apparently confiscated a number of fake weapons which they say had the potential to stir up the crowd. Licciardello was dressed in full Bulldogs gear and was allegedly carrying a number of items including a plastic knife, plastic knuckle dusters and fake flares. In putting together his piece for ABC TV's The Chaser's War on Everything, Licciardello reportedly ?angered? Bulldogs fans when he hawked the items while posing as a street vendor. After having a look at the skit, I have to say I was surprised that anyone would get sucked into the routine. In any case, Acting Deputy Commissioner Denis Clifford was not amused and in an almost surreal moment, declared that he was "thoroughly disgusted.""This was clearly an act of mindless stupidity,? said the Acting Deputy Commissioner."This fellow will be appearing in Sutherland Court at a later date charged with offensive conduct.?The Acting Deputy Commissioner concluded with his own brand of humour: "We'll see how funny he thinks all this is then.?So let?s put aside the keystone capers for a moment and assume that police have a sense of humour too. The Acting Deputy Commissioner may have been upset by the prank but, by accident or design, he was engaging in a bit of theatre himself. He delivered a worthy response, a poetic blend of drama and subtlety which the great Victor Mature would have been proud of. Was our law enforcer trying to go one better than the Chaser guy? With that in mind, here's hoping the Acting Deputy Commissioner doesn't get a stand up gig abroad where real trouble, not imagined, is actually taking place.Even NSW premier Morris Iemma became part of the show in condemning the joke as ?grossly irresponsible behaviour.? To top it off, Bulldogs CEO Malcolm Noad lobbed in to play the race card, declaring that Licciardello was trying to inflame ?Lebanese supporters in particular."Meanwhile, the press tracked down Chas?s father, Charles, who appeared to have an air of resignation in saying, "Why couldn't he get a conventional job like everyone else??By now, some of you may be thinking I?m making all this up. But sadly, that's not the case? this is serious media we?re talking about here.The police reportedly received a complaint from Bulldogs supporters. But as the TV footage later showed, the same Bulldogs fans who were captioned as being ?angered? were in fact laughing. So who complained? Well obviously someone did or the police couldn?t have acted.Licciardello himself was reported in the media as saying, "Most of the people took it pretty light heartedly but a couple of the supporters got a bit angry and then the police stepped in."Nevertheless, it will be interesting to see how many outraged footy fans the police can produce, if or when this matter ever makes it to court.Is it possible that a few hotheads came along to the circus and didn?t like being the butt of someone else?s humour? Clearly some folk have their own anger management issues to deal with. But in the interest of protecting the public, let?s arrest the clown. At is turned out; there was no real crowd trouble. But at least the police were seen to be doing their job.So I ask again, what is offensive conduct? Perhaps it's the sight of someone wearing a Bulldogs jersey. More likely it was the fake knife and other paraphernalia which caused offence. But I?ve seen similar plastic weaponry available for purchase at ?Crazy Clarks?, my local discount toy store and the venue of choice for psychopaths everywhere? and here you thinking they call Clark ?crazy? for his low, low prices. Alas, I am no closer to answering the question. I guess more will be revealed in the next gripping episode.Oh, and for those who are interested, the Bulldogs beat St George 22-16.
A classic round of footy action left the selectors a little boondoggled as they made their way around the table late Sunday afternoon. A couple of quality games throughout the round saw most positions remaining fairly contentious as the evening wore on and the boys put away Mrs Mac?s entire lemon meringue pie before settling on the final line-up. So strap yourselves in and have a good hard look at the Round 21 League Unlimited Team of the Week - by gee there?s some points in them.
BRISBANE Broncos player Brett Seymour is alleged to have head-butted a woman while trying to kiss her on a Brisbane hotel dance floor in the early hours of Monday morning.
PARRAMATTA will move back rower Chad Robinson in to the front row to replace the suspended Fuifui Moimoi for their clash with the Dragons on Friday night. Centre Brett Delaney makes a return from injury on the bench while the match marks the first match between the two clubs since the outrageous 8-1 victory by the Dragons at OKI Jubilee Stadium in round 13.
REFEREE Shayne Hayne has been dropped for the Round 22 fixtures following a costly mistake in the Sharks and Knights encounter on Friday night. Hayne ruled a scrum to the Knights after a pass by Andrew Johns hit him in the chest. The correct ruling would have been to award a scrum to the Sharks. This rules Shayne out of any chance to referee in the upcoming Finals Series.
SHAUN Foley, Amos Roberts, Ryan Cross, Iosia Soliola, Sam Perrett, Brett Finch, Josh Lewis, Shane Shackleton, Craig Wing, David Shillington, Anthony Tupou, Craig Fitzgibbon (c), Ashley Harrison
BRETT Kearney, Darren Albert, Nigel Vagana, Ben Pomeroy, Luke Covell, Adam Dykes, Brett Kimmorley (c), James Stosic, Kevin Kingston, Luke Douglas, Reece Williams, Lance Thompson, Paul Gallen
SHANNON McDonnell, Taniela Tuiaki, Dean Collis, Jamaal Lolesi, Chris Lawrence, Shane Elford, Scott Prince (c), Todd Payten, Robbie Farah, John Skandalis, Anthony Laffranchi, Chris Heighington, Ben Galea
THE Newtown Rugby League Football Club will be holding its annual players, officials and supporters reunion at Henson Park on Saturday, September 2, 2006.This is the club's last home competition game for the 2006 season, when the Newtown Jets play the St. George-Illawarra Dragons in the NSWRL VB Premier League competition starting at 3.00pm. This is a great opportunity for all former Newtown grade and junior players, administrators and supporters to rendezvous at Henson Park to meet up with all their old friends who have helped build the traditions of Australia's oldest Rugby League club. Following the match, everybody can adjourn back to the Jets Sports Club in Holbeach Avenue, Tempe. Tell all your old team-mates and other Newtown friends and supporters to meet up at Henson Park for what is always a terrific day. All the members of the 1966 Newtown first grade semi-finalist team and the 1996 Newtown Metro Cup first grade premiership-winning team will be special guests of honour for the day.For all inquiries, ring the Newtown RLFC office on 1300 363 690, or email the club at: [email protected] official Newtown RLFC website is at: www.newtownjets.com
ON the night of 26th of August 2006 the North Sydney Rugby League Football Club will announce their 'TEAM OF THE CENTURY' at a star studded presentation to be held at the NORTHS Club, 12 Abbott Street, Cammeray.Famous rugby league legends will rub shoulders with fans in one of the most important nights on the 2006 rugby league calendar.PREPARATIONS ARE IN FULL SWINGPreparations are in full swing with the club securing the services of TV and radio personality Andrew Voss who will MC the night. While an expose on all things North Sydney will be provided by ABC personalty Lex Marinos.Many famous North Sydney and Rugby League identities will also be involved in the entertainment. A full range of merchandise is planned with many limited edition collectables to be available. All this in conjunction withthe announcement of the North Sydney Bears team of the century, will ensure this will be a night which will never be forgotten in Bears history and a must for all fans of Rugby League. For up to date information go to www.northsydneybears.com.au.CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP PACKAGESCORPORATE SPONSORSHIP: $250-00 plus GST - including a limited edition 'Team Of The Century' print and promotion of your company on the nightCONTACT: Greg Florimo on (02) 9466 8860 or email [email protected] DETAILSVENUE: The Celebrity Room, NORTHS, 12 Abbott Street, CammerayDATE & TIME: Saturday 26th August 2006, 6:30 p.m.DRESS: Semi FormalTICKETS: $175-00 per head, including GST - including three course dinner, drinks and entertainmentBOOKINGS: Contact NORTHS on (02) 9466 8888ANNOUNCEMENT OF NOMINEESAn expert group of rugby league specialists has been appointed to the selection committee to pick the team. They include; John Hayes, Richard Bradley and Ian Heads. They have been sweating hard over their decisions and have finalised the nominees for the 13 postions, 4 reserves and the coach. Go to www.northsydneybears.com.au for more details on the nominees.The Nominees are:Alan Arkey (1951-58)Ben Haslam (1952-54)Billy Moore (1989-99)Billy Wilson (1963-67)Bob Sullivan (1948-55, 1957-59)Brian Carlson (1957-62)Bruce Walker (1971-77)Cec Blinkhorn (1914-18, 1920-23)Cec Waters (1947-55)Chris McKivat (1921-22)Con Sullivan (1910-16)David Fairleigh (1989-99)Don McKinnon (1977-87)Duncan Thompson (1916, 1920-23)Fred Griffiths (1963-66)Gary Larson (1987-1999)George Ambrum (1966-74)Greg Florimo (1986-98)Greg Hawick (1959-60)Harold Horder (1920-23)Herman Peters (1917-25)Jason Taylor (1994-99)Jim Devereaux (1908, 1910, 1912-13, 1922)John Gray (1975-77, 1981-83)Keith Harris (1973-74, 1977-83)Keith Middleton (1948-54)Ken Irvine (b.1940-d.1990)Ken McCaffery (1957-59)Les Kiss (1986-93)Mario Fenech (1991-94)Mark Graham (1981-88)Martin Bella (1986-89)Matt Seers (1993-99)Norm Strong (1947-62)Peter Diversi (1952-55)Peter Louis (1993-99)Rex Harrison (1934-42, 1945-46)Ron Willey (1980-82)Ross McKinnon (1952-53)Ross Warner (1963-74)Roy Thompson (1935-40, 1942)Sid Deane (1908, 1912-14, 1917, 1919)Tim Pickup (1972-74)Tony Rea (1988-94)The North Sydney Rugby League Football Club can be contacted on 9466 8860.
ST George Illawarra Dragons Coach Nathan Brown has made only one change to the side that was named last week to take on the Eels this Friday night at Parramatta Stadium.
Centre Mark Gasnier has succumbed to a calf injury and will miss the match with Ben Creagh named as his replacement. Clint Greenshields has also been added to a five man bench with one to be omitted.
1 Clinton Schifcofske (C)
2 Adrian Purtell
3 Phil Graham
4 Adam Mogg
5 Marshall Chalk
6 Jason Smith
7 Lincoln Withers
8 Dane Tilse
9 Simon Woolford
10 Troy Thompson
11 Tom Learoyd-Lahrs
12 Jason Croker
13 Alan Tongue
1. Darius Boyd
2. Tame Tupou
3. Justin Hodges
4. Brent Tate
5. Scott Minto
6. Darren Lockyer (c)
7. Shane Perry
8. Shane Webcke
9. Shaun Berrigan
10. Petero Civoniceva
11. David Stagg
12. Brad Thorn
13. Tonie Carroll