14 hours ago
Attention: Cosmetics Department!
I did it; at long last I finally did it! My family will be secured for life, and pretty soon students majoring in philosophy will be studying my findings. In fact by the time you get to the bottom of this article, I give you my word that you won't even remember who discovered the law of gravity, the law of relativity and all that other scientific nonsense (and don't be too embarrassed if you don't already know, I had to look it up). Today the greatest mystery of all has been exposed. I have just defined the female equivalent to the phrase "sausage fest".
Ok, maybe not as impressive or necessary as the aforementioned discoveries. Just for fun though, I emailed the problem out to nine of my closest friends just to see what they could come up with. Just what was the female equivalent to the phrase? Swiftly came nine responses. Zero tasteful enough to publish. In fact three of the answers would've redefined comedy as we know it.
What does this say about me as a writer? Two things actually. First of all, that I'm drastically running out of things to write about since my beloved Sharks slipped to eleventh on the ladder. And secondly, that women don't quite get as much appreciation in sports as they should. Alas, to prove just how much we males love the ladies, this article is dedicated to the members of the opposite sex. I should probably consider changing the title of the article huh? Bah!
I had to dig deep into the research archives to find these, but the results are so astounding it made giving the past two hours of my life away fairly worth it. The best way to emphasise how much rugby league loves and needs females, is to talk about how the code would be without women around. As you're about to read, rugby league without women would be a walking nightmare on so many fronts that I'm going to tackle them in the most damning order. So, let's get this show on the road.
Exhibit A: Financial Decapitation Apologies to the ladies for basing the first point on money, but it's the most consequential factor to your non-existence. A recent study showed that women occupy an average of 37% of crowd attendances (which will carry me through to Exhibit B, so stay tuned). That's a whopping average of $37 231 worth of ticket sales per club, per round. The figures fall slightly in the merchandise department, but a total estimated average of $85 000 is credited to female purchases per annum.
Exhibit B: Attendance Fiasco Crowd atmospheres would become a complete 'sausage fest'. You heard the phrase earlier on in this article, but those who have even been involved in one will vouch for just how pointless an outing without females can be. Women are just as passionate about league as males are. Perhaps for different reasons, but come on, who really cares? Confessional time; women also bring the better looking part of crowds to the games. Sorry guys, but its true. Spare a thought for how it'd be for the poor cheerleaders as well. It'd be like sending Guy Sebastian on stage at a Limp Bizkit concert.
Exhibit C: The Better Conscious Had my former girlfriend not have been with me three years ago, I would've personally run onto the field and belted Tony Archer for his refereeing performance against the Melbourne Storm. Ok, confession time part two; I'm really too soft to do anything like that, but it sounded tough when you read it right? Right!? Women bring a lighter side to the game, and no honest male will deny that fact. Sorry, but I need to end this point here so that the guys don't consider me an emotional wet mop.
So, there you have it. I've shown a little love to the much less appreciated party of our code. These points are just to name a few. If I receive another 'write about us' email, I'll start peeling the skin off my body. Bottom line ladies, Rugby League loves and needs you just as much as we do.
Now can I get an amen to that!?
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