Jason Robinson's Diary

  • by Half
  • July 12 2005 12:00AM

I woke up with a foul taste in my mouth. Last night was rotten. I didn?t want to get out of bed. The crowd was totally against me. Did they know anything about the rules? They certainly knew nothing of tact. I looked across and my mood fast changed. There was Charlene, my source of power, my pillar of strength. I ran my hand across her back and gently whispered, ?I love you?. I gave Charlene a terse spit polish and placed her around my neck. I was now ready to tackle the day.

Breakfast brought more drama than usual. My porridge was far too hot. But if there?s one thing I know how to handle it?s a heated situation. I cautioned the porridge though it refused to cool down. I was left with no option but to send the porridge off for 10.

I heard the phone ring. It was Steve saying he couldn?t come to the party tonight. I wasn?t too disappointed, none of us really like Steve ? he?s difficult to deal with. But his call was a timely reminder to get everything ready for the party. I needed drinks, snacks and DVDs!

I hopped into the Excel, buckled up and drove to the shops. I know the RTA states you should leave 3 seconds between your own car and the one in front ? and I pride myself on applying the road rules ? but I can?t stand Fords. I noticed one ahead and decreased the gap to 2 seconds. Last week I did the same to Subarus.

It was smooth driving until a grade 1 careless pedestrian stepped out onto the road. I slammed on the brakes and beeped my horn. She gave me the finger and mouthed a profanity. I was outraged and wanted to apply a $10,000 fine on the spot. How dare she do that to me ? I?m a referee! I thought the elderly were supposed to have manners.

After reaching Coles, I grabbed a trolley and upon consultation with the store manager, blew my whistle and began to shop. As a referee, I require quality food to perform at my peak, so I carefully noted the use by dates on the milk cartons. I yelled ?Surrender!? to the oranges, as the apples were clearly dominant. I stood in front of the lollies, undecided. A passing lady suggested the Starburst. I wasn?t too sure, the Black & Gold Candy Teeth were much cheaper, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt regardless. You only live once!

I wrapped up my shopping experience soon after and drove home, where I proceeded to spend hours cleaning and pampering in preparation for the party. To be clever and ironic, I wore my sweater with the horizontal stripes. Just as I lit the final candle, I heard a knock at the door. It must?ve been Tim, perhaps my only reliable friend. Perhaps.

A while after, Mogsheen and Kelvin arrived. We were having a great time and the Starburst proved a hit. I went to the kitchen to fix a few shots of my secret super formula, a special high performance cocktail consisting of 1 part water, 1 part Powerade and 1 part Gatorade. I practiced my time off technique as I grabbed a glass from the top shelf, when I suddenly heard a loud noise from the living room. I ran out to discover my vase had been broken.

I didn?t know exactly what to do ? there?s no rulebook for that sort of stuff. Mogsheen refused to apologise, suggesting I could?ve placed the vase somewhere safer. I was particularly annoyed by that comment, replying, ?I?ve given you a chance to talk. Now it?s time to listen. That vase meant a lot to me, it was a gift from my mother. No, don?t go running off. Come back here and listen. I?m really upset over this fracas and I?m going to have to place you on report.?

An awkward silence swept the room, only broken by the noise of a car pulling into the driveway outside. We looked through the curtains and delirium struck ? it was a damn Ford. But stepping out of the Ford was none other than Bill Harrigan. Tim had a great idea. We interchanged Mogsheen with Bill and noticed an immediate improvement. Together we watched DVDs and shared plenty of laughs throughout the night. Caught up in the sheer euphoria, we forgot ? if only for a moment ? that everybody hates us.

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