Our thanks to Andrew Ferguson for his 2014 piece recounting the story of Edward Larkin, who among ot...
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God had been thinking. Armageddon was close now, and he knew he?d have to start sorting out the saints from the sinners. It wasn?t easy being omnipotent, and even all-powerful beings have to work through tough patches from eon to eon. ?I?m pretty rusty. I really need to get a bit of smiting practice in.? He?d taken to talking to himself in his old age.
In order to catch up, he sat back in his newly-created recliner, and skimmed the paper. He chuckled, and a golfer in Kansas was struck by lightning. ?Shane Warne really cracks me up. When will he ever learn?? He chuckled again. ?In about three weeks.? God never tired of ?end-of-the-world? jokes.
After reading the sports section he had an epiphany. There certainly seemed to be a lot of controversy in rugby league. It would be the perfect place to start.
He took out 'The Ten Commandments ? God?s Version and other stories' from his white robe. It had served him well in the past and he should be able to pass judgment on league like he had in days of yore. ?Just like riding a bike.? After looking the commandments over, he decided to only use some.
He started writing.
?Okay. I?m God, worship me first.? Phil Gould was an obvious front-runner here, given his God-complex, as was Alan Jones. Allah would never forgive him if he included the Bulldogs supporters, and he enjoyed discussing the subtleties of stoning with someone.
?I am not a profanity.? Raudonikis and Finch were the first added, and they kept on coming. Blaspheming sure had gained in popularity. ?I might need a new book?.
?Kick back on Sundays.? He thought for a while. ?Hmm, I?ll amend that one.? In these modern times there was always room for 24-7 worship.
?Honour your Mum and Dad.? The original marketing plan didn?t allow for future amendments, or additions, but after assessing the parental abilities of the world this really needed to be waived. He was feeling a little depressed now.
This used to be so much easier. Sipping on a cup of his favourite coffee, he pondered the apocalypse. The black phone rang. A row of six phones - all different colours - lay side by side. Rastafarian God Jah rang on the green phone; Hindu God Ganesh on the blue; Allah had red; Jesus (busy putting his image on a burrito in Mexico) chose yellow; The Pope was white, and black was for?the other one.
?Hello Luc,? he said.
?You know I don?t like being called that,? God said.
?Yeah,? Lucifer sighed. ?Look G. You must be getting ready for the big clean-out shortly. I need to budget for extra space, or storage fees will come into it. Should I reserve the seventh circle of hell??
?Yes. That?s a good idea Luc. Expect some guests late next week. But keep a table in the third circle for Riddell.?
?Speaking of gluttony, still up for dinner on Saturday??
?Wouldn?t miss it,? God replied, ?and bring your son.?
?Sure thing, and I?ll get Hitler onto the reservations.?
God put the receiver down. He was glad he disposed of the pink phone. Answer George Bush?s call once and all hell breaks loose.
?Don?t kill.? After striking out in his last two attempts, God was not happy. Nothing constituted killing. Prior loading would have to be enough. Yes, that?ll do: Morley, Crocker, and Ryles were all starters. He couldn?t bring himself to include Reuben Wiki. ?He?s always been hard done by.?
?Don?t cheat.? His mind wandered to the AFL. God muttered, ?Wayne Carey will keep.? He?d worry about the NRL offenders another time.
?Don?t steal.? The NRL had got in first on this one. Maybe Gallop is paying attention? He noted Gould was the greatest opponent of the stripping law. ?That?s two.? An extra mark went in the book.
?Don?t make things up and say it?s true.? As much as he enjoyed The Daily Telegraph and Danny Weidler, he knew when someone was pulling the other one as much as the next God. A number of other media personnel were included, and he rounded it off with everyone from 2GB and Ray Hadley.
Satisfied, he put the pen down, and glanced over at his framed Queensland jersey; signed by Allan Langer. Jesus got extra brownie points for that. Walking over to the window, he looked down at the Earth and beamed. ?Things are coming together nicely.?